I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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