i think my tv is drunk
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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