Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
