My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize