I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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