I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
