The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
