I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
