wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
