it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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