My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there's paper in my vomit.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
