went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
