Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
