I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
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