Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
