Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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