Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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