Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
