he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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