if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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