oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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