There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I need a beard to bite.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
