Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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