they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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