i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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