the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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