i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
