ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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