My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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