im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
