My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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