Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
