nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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