My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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