I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
