He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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