I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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