she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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