I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
