I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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