Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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