I met the friendliest cop last night
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
