I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
