You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
