Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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