even my farts smell like vagina
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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