guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
