If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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