Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
