I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
