There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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