i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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