He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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