well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
