I am midnight drunk by noon
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
