My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
