i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Bring me that man meat
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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