bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
