fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
