So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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